I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
