have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
