An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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