walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
