Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
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He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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