Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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