how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
