I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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