well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
