you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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