I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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