Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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