the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
