I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
