I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
