I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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