im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
