Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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