Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
how can u be prego again
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
