i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
