oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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