Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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