I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
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