I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
another moral hangover. fuck.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
