so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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