Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
