That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
