my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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