Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
