You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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