Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Randomize
