i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
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Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
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You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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