Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
foreskin is a definite game changer
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Randomize
