Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
