my vag is so smooth its legendary
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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