My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
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