thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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