i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
