you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
