My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
