im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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