So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
