We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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