Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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