Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
