Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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