My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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