i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
