You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude i'm inner monologue high
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
