can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
