My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
