my phone needs a breathalizer
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
