My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
