we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
