A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
