He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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