You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
